The In Between

Question Authority. Question Everything.

It has been a fat minute since I have written on here! I just came back from a coffee and movie date with a friend of mine and I guess I’m feeling inspired to write. I have been meaning to write but I can only do it when I feel a burst of energy. So it’s a Saturday night but technically Sunday morning because it’s past midnight. I’m cuddled up on my comfy couch with a blanket and the sound of rain drizzling outside.

Yesterday I was craving donuts so bad. I was telling everyone I wanted donuts. Today I woke up and we had donuts. God does answers prayers people!

But anyway, life is in the in between stage. It feels like a transition but I don’t know what for and that is really scary. I realized that I am someone who loves control and even though I have a tight grip on everything around me, controlling every decision I have to make, I don’t feel like I have control. I don’t know what lies ahead for me and it is a really weird feeling. I have been asking God to lead me where I need to go but I feel so…directionless. I miss a lot of things that I was doing before this year started and relationships I had. Although I know that not all of those things are good for me and that some of them I let go by my own decisions, I still miss them. I believe you should always question everything. Don’t just assume or go with something because everyone else is doing it. The only problem is that questioning doesn’t always leave you with answers. The In between stage…where you don’t know exactly where you’re going is confusing.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m making any sense. Bare with me. I’ll update when I get some answers (if I do).

In my love and relationships class we had to do a love service project. My partner and I decided we would go to the local mall and give out handwritten cards and candy. I had this whole crazy idea of handing out these cards and holding a sign and having conversations with people about their love languages. But let me tell you..the mall is definitely not the right place to do that. Maybe on like a busy Seattle street with a film crew with you so that you look justified by your actions. But not at a mall where people are just trying to mind their own business and chill and shop.

So we downplayed my crazy over zealous idea and decided on just handing out handwritten notes with candy and moving on with our day. It was still a lot scarier than I thought. I got so nervous before passing them out, I started nervous laughing. My partner suggested we tried to go for elderly people because they are usually kind and sweet and we wanted to brighten their day. So we went up to this man who was sitting alone (this always breaks my heart) and we handed him the note and lolli pop and said, :Hello sir! We just wanted to offer you some encouragement today.”

His response with a  blank face, “No thank you.” Didn’t even blink.

can you say REJECTED.

Yeah so in that moment I wanted to just run away but I knew that we needed to complete this challenge. Loving people is not always easy. It’s not always fun or easygoing. Loving people is a choice. The worst part is that you may get rejected and not be shown love back, but that can’t keep you from showing love. I had written an encouraging note and Bible verse in almost all the cards that I had made. I wasn’t sure if the people receiving my note were Christian or how they would take it, but my hope was that someone would feel encouraged that day and reminded of God’s love. And if they weren’t believers, that they would at least have the seed planted.

Some other people rejected our notes too but we still went at it. A funny rejection was when we saw another man sitting alone eating mcdonalds and reading a book. I was like, we have to go to him! So I went up to him and offered the note and he told me that he didn’t hear. Well obviously he did because of his reaction, but if anything, in case he was reading my lips, I said: oh well you don’t have to hear, you just have to see! You know what he told me? I cant see. HE LITERALLY WAS READING A BOOK WITH WORDS. But we respectfully walked away.

Other people took the gesture very graciously. Some people said it made their day and they gave me hugs. I even got a picture with one gal. We gave these notes out to a variety of people. We went into stores and when someone would ask me if they could help me, I’d say no but I’d love to help you have a better day! They would get so excited and their smile would brighten. We gave it to girls my age, young middle school boys, elderly women, older men, workers, shoppers, people dating. We just had a variety of people we talked to and it was awesome seeing their reactions.

Although not all people wanted to accept our little gift, that is to be expected and it is okay. What I noticed in life is that people often love their close family and friends really easily. But they have a hard time extending that love beyond those people or accepting it from other people. But that is what a Christian is about. Christ came while we were still sinners and loved us and saved us. As Christians, we have to choose to love the community around us, even if they have nothing to offer us. That is how we share the gospel, by spreading love. It’s not always easy but it’s important. The rejections we got from people for our project did not outweigh the positive responses we got. It is worth it.

I have midterms next week so if you want to say a little prayer for me, then please have at it! Much appreciated.

Oh and as I’m learning about the five love languages in my love and relationships comm class, I learned that my love languages are different than what I originally thought. I retook the test and found that my top love language is acts of service and quality time. I always thought my number one was words of affirmation. But I realized that my love language for romantic relationships and all other ones are different. For a romantic relationship, I definitely want words of affirmation and acts of service. But for all other relationships its acts of service and quality time. It’s hard living in a world where everyone says: words mean nothing, only actions matter. But for me, if your actions aren’t backed up by words, I have a harder time accepting them. I need to be affirmed that I mean something to someone. But that’s just me.

I’m also moving into a new room in my house. The guys in my family repainted it today. I cant wait to actually move in and decorate it! It will allow me to be more creative again.

Thank you for reading. My thoughts are a bit mixed in this one. That’s life I guess.

Eat some donuts! They are yummy!






The Season of Grieving

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,..” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Currently in the state of grieving and learning how to deal with everything. You know its funny because in life you try to prepare for anything coming your way. But you don’t always get to prepare for death. Sometimes you know that death is coming over soon and you try to prepare yourself for it’s cold visit into your home. Other times it comes unexpectedly and there is no time to prepare. But whether or not you know it’s coming, doesn’t make it any easier when the time finally comes. It’s a new reality. One day they are here and the next day they are not. They have descended to a different place but you are still here going through life. Death doesn’t wait for the most convenient time, when work is less busy, when you’re financially stable, or “old enough” to handle it. It comes at it’s own time, a time predestined at the very beginning. When it’s God’s will, it’s God’s will. Though I am fortunate to know where my loved ones have gone, I am still a human incapable of fully understanding eternity and how to not take this in a hurtful way. But we live and we go through the good and the bad and we get through it by the help of God, for those who are blessed to know Him.

As my mom kept saying in disbelief during that crazy week in mid January, “This is just unheard of for two grandmothers to pass away within a day of each other!”, it really was unexpected. I knew that both my grandmothers were getting sick but I didn’t know when the time was coming for them to leave us, and I sure as heck didn’t think they would pass away within one day of each other.

I don’t want to get too into detail since I am writing an article about this for my school newspaper and don’t want to copy content, but this is the season I am in right now. Grieving. You know it happens so fast and you’re preparing for the funeral, spending time with family, and going through the motions but you don’t really truly process it until the initial shock and busyness of the funeral wears off. The first week you have a lot of people stopping by to comfort you. But then the weeks pass and it’s time to go back into the real world. Back to work and school and your other responsibilities. Then suddenly the loneliness hits you like an unexpected train. Suddenly the house is empty because the two beautiful souls who prayed for you and always blessed you goodbye as you walked out the door each morning are gone.

Grieving isn’t always death. You can grieve the loss of your dreams, you can grieve from a divorce or a breakup, a lost friendship, a lost opportunity. But as Ecclesiastes writes, there is a time and season for everything under the sun. This is the season I’m in but this too shall pass. I know that good days will be coming my way. That is how life works. You go through the ugly and that can sometimes help you appreciate the sunshine when it finally comes.

It feels like I’m grieving a few different things. Grieving the loss of my worship team, some goals and aspirations I had, and some lost friendships. But I have hope that something brighter will come around soon. You have to be patient and trust in God.

I’m thankful for everyone who has been praying for my family. Thankful for my parent’s friends who brought us food when my mom was too weak to cook and I was too busy with school and work to always have a meal prepared for all the unexpected and expected guests we had coming over each day. I’m thankful for my professors who allowed me to take some time off from classes and give me make up assignments so that I wouldn’t fall behind but also prayed for my family. I’m thankful for the people who reached out to me to wish me well. I’m thankful for music that has kept my mind busy. I’m thankful for people who have attempted to make me laugh or smile. Most importantly I’m thankful for God who continues to comfort me even though it’s hard for me to pick up a Bible or even pray.

If you’re reading this, may you have a blessed day that is full of laughter.