The Goal is Connection, Not Distance

“The goal is connection, not distance” Well doesn’t that sound nice…oh wait.

I’m going to be talking about relationships and I don’t even know why.

Two days ago, my professor Dr. Bourdeaux was finishing up her lecture on the Jesus way of talking in our love and relationships communication class. She ended the lecture by having us all stand in a circle, holding hands, and read off a list of statements about love together in a prayer.

I’m thinking to myself like this is kind of a cute exercise. I’m holding one girls hand, the other girl prefers not to hold hands which is fine. I love praying so I don’t mind doing this somewhat cheesy exercise (it’s a class on love and relationships at a Christian University, you have to expect it to be a little bit gushy). So I’m reading off the list of statements with my classmates and one statement felt like a weight of bricks fell on top of me, the statement said:

“The goal is connection, not distance.”

Why is that such a big deal for me? Why have I not been able to stop thinking about it when I have forgotten all the other statements on the list. When I can’t stop thinking about something, I feel like that is my sign to write about it. I knew that God was perhaps challenging that statement to me because it is something I struggle with. That is, focusing on the connection with people, rather than creating distance.

At work and at school we always talk about how community and relationships are so important and sometimes I truthfully find it annoying. Hearing statements like “we are meant to be relational beings, we aren’t meant to do life alone, we are supposed to share our burdens together, yadda yadda…” initially it sounds great! Like yes! I want to have a ton of friends and talk about our deepest struggles and laugh together in joy and be involved with other people all the time. But then the other part of me goes, well it’s actually scary sharing your life with someone else because at any moment they can betray your trust, and does anyone really stay in your life forever anyway?

This is not to say I am anti social. I’m not. In fact, I love hanging out with people and meeting new people. The problem is not that I don’t like people or making friends. Because I really truly do. The problem is maintaining that connection when things get tough, rather than creating that distance. I distance myself for different reasons. Sometimes I get scared that this relationship is becoming too close and the feeling of being vulnerable scares me sometimes. Sometimes its because of the hurt I’m feeling that I just don’t want to face. Sometimes its for other reasons that are hard to explain. But as we talked about in class, the goal is not distance! It’s connection. Being connected with another human being is so valuable, precious, and is worth more than any silver or gold. We ARE meant to be relational beings. Sometimes it is hard because we are human and none of us are perfect. We hurt those we love, we make mistakes, we have bad days and seasons, we can be selfish, and we go through a lot of emotions. All of these things can sometimes cause harm in our relationships. But when things get tough, you shouldn’t distance yourself. Now, some distance is necessary in certain situations, don’t get me wrong. But distancing yourself away from healthy loving relationships when you need them the most is not healthy. You need to fight for that connection and work to make it stronger. It takes work but it is worth it. That I am learning.

Now I have to share another important lesson I learned about relationships. I met this wonderful man at Starbucks named Vincent a few weeks ago. I have secretly adopted him as my new grandpa.

I was working on hw at starbucks before church, and Vincent and I were sharing a table. He is a professional chess instructor and he was waiting for his student to come in. We somehow got to talking and he was asking me about my work. I told him that I was writing for a church and he asked me, “Oh, you are a Christian?” And I said, “yes sir!”

He too was a Christian and we started talking about faith. Another girl sat at our table and joined in the conversation. She too was a believer. It was a really cool experience to talk about my faith with two people I just met at a coffee shop. Vincent then gave us a specific talk about romantic relationships. I whipped out my phone and began taking notes.

Some things Vincent touched on:

-You girls are worth more than rubies, you are beautiful because you were made in the image of God.

-Some guys go to church to find a Christian girl because she can be easy to manipulate. She wants to serve her husband, they know that, and they can take advantage. Beware of wolves.

-Not all men who go to church are worth your time.

-Watch out for wandering eyes.

-Pray for the man you will want to marry.

-Women have a special intuition. If you feel something isn’t right, pray to God to reveal what is wrong.

Now when I see Vincent, he always reminds me to be careful about what men I am hanging around. He truly is like the grandpa I never had. Everything Vincent told me is what I already know. But the difference is, that it is easy to forget it in the moment. But it really is important to value yourself and know your worth. Don’t let anyone take advantage of you or make you feel less than. And please, stay away from wandering eyes. We all know what that’s like and its not going to change because you get into a relationship.

Remember that you can’t change anyone else but you can pray for them and work on yourself so that you grow stronger in character, wisdom, and love. So don’t focus on trying to change everyone around you, start with yourself!

So this is me talking about relationships, but only because I have gained so much knowledge this semester from my classes, and the people God has put in my life. If I were to give you relationship advice on my own experience, well I might have some what not to do’s and very limited experience to share which is not very helpful. But these people that have shared with me their experience, expertise, and knowledge have helped me learn so much and have shaped the way that I think. I love sharing with other people what I learn.

Only one week left of classes this semester, then a week of finals, and then SUMMER BREAK! It’s crazy. I have enjoyed going to college so much and I can’t believe I’m a senior with only one semester left. The two years are flying bye. I can’t wait to see what’s next in this season of life. It’s bittersweet. But I know that when I graduate, I won’t stop learning ever. My goal when I finish college is to learn piano, finally.

Never stop learning folks! And build those connections!

Love,

Angie

The In Between

Question Authority. Question Everything.

It has been a fat minute since I have written on here! I just came back from a coffee and movie date with a friend of mine and I guess I’m feeling inspired to write. I have been meaning to write but I can only do it when I feel a burst of energy. So it’s a Saturday night but technically Sunday morning because it’s past midnight. I’m cuddled up on my comfy couch with a blanket and the sound of rain drizzling outside.

Yesterday I was craving donuts so bad. I was telling everyone I wanted donuts. Today I woke up and we had donuts. God does answers prayers people!

But anyway, life is in the in between stage. It feels like a transition but I don’t know what for and that is really scary. I realized that I am someone who loves control and even though I have a tight grip on everything around me, controlling every decision I have to make, I don’t feel like I have control. I don’t know what lies ahead for me and it is a really weird feeling. I have been asking God to lead me where I need to go but I feel so…directionless. I miss a lot of things that I was doing before this year started and relationships I had. Although I know that not all of those things are good for me and that some of them I let go by my own decisions, I still miss them. I believe you should always question everything. Don’t just assume or go with something because everyone else is doing it. The only problem is that questioning doesn’t always leave you with answers. The In between stage…where you don’t know exactly where you’re going is confusing.

I’m not entirely sure if I’m making any sense. Bare with me. I’ll update when I get some answers (if I do).

In my love and relationships class we had to do a love service project. My partner and I decided we would go to the local mall and give out handwritten cards and candy. I had this whole crazy idea of handing out these cards and holding a sign and having conversations with people about their love languages. But let me tell you..the mall is definitely not the right place to do that. Maybe on like a busy Seattle street with a film crew with you so that you look justified by your actions. But not at a mall where people are just trying to mind their own business and chill and shop.

So we downplayed my crazy over zealous idea and decided on just handing out handwritten notes with candy and moving on with our day. It was still a lot scarier than I thought. I got so nervous before passing them out, I started nervous laughing. My partner suggested we tried to go for elderly people because they are usually kind and sweet and we wanted to brighten their day. So we went up to this man who was sitting alone (this always breaks my heart) and we handed him the note and lolli pop and said, :Hello sir! We just wanted to offer you some encouragement today.”

His response with a  blank face, “No thank you.” Didn’t even blink.

can you say REJECTED.

Yeah so in that moment I wanted to just run away but I knew that we needed to complete this challenge. Loving people is not always easy. It’s not always fun or easygoing. Loving people is a choice. The worst part is that you may get rejected and not be shown love back, but that can’t keep you from showing love. I had written an encouraging note and Bible verse in almost all the cards that I had made. I wasn’t sure if the people receiving my note were Christian or how they would take it, but my hope was that someone would feel encouraged that day and reminded of God’s love. And if they weren’t believers, that they would at least have the seed planted.

Some other people rejected our notes too but we still went at it. A funny rejection was when we saw another man sitting alone eating mcdonalds and reading a book. I was like, we have to go to him! So I went up to him and offered the note and he told me that he didn’t hear. Well obviously he did because of his reaction, but if anything, in case he was reading my lips, I said: oh well you don’t have to hear, you just have to see! You know what he told me? I cant see. HE LITERALLY WAS READING A BOOK WITH WORDS. But we respectfully walked away.

Other people took the gesture very graciously. Some people said it made their day and they gave me hugs. I even got a picture with one gal. We gave these notes out to a variety of people. We went into stores and when someone would ask me if they could help me, I’d say no but I’d love to help you have a better day! They would get so excited and their smile would brighten. We gave it to girls my age, young middle school boys, elderly women, older men, workers, shoppers, people dating. We just had a variety of people we talked to and it was awesome seeing their reactions.

Although not all people wanted to accept our little gift, that is to be expected and it is okay. What I noticed in life is that people often love their close family and friends really easily. But they have a hard time extending that love beyond those people or accepting it from other people. But that is what a Christian is about. Christ came while we were still sinners and loved us and saved us. As Christians, we have to choose to love the community around us, even if they have nothing to offer us. That is how we share the gospel, by spreading love. It’s not always easy but it’s important. The rejections we got from people for our project did not outweigh the positive responses we got. It is worth it.

I have midterms next week so if you want to say a little prayer for me, then please have at it! Much appreciated.

Oh and as I’m learning about the five love languages in my love and relationships comm class, I learned that my love languages are different than what I originally thought. I retook the test and found that my top love language is acts of service and quality time. I always thought my number one was words of affirmation. But I realized that my love language for romantic relationships and all other ones are different. For a romantic relationship, I definitely want words of affirmation and acts of service. But for all other relationships its acts of service and quality time. It’s hard living in a world where everyone says: words mean nothing, only actions matter. But for me, if your actions aren’t backed up by words, I have a harder time accepting them. I need to be affirmed that I mean something to someone. But that’s just me.

I’m also moving into a new room in my house. The guys in my family repainted it today. I cant wait to actually move in and decorate it! It will allow me to be more creative again.

Thank you for reading. My thoughts are a bit mixed in this one. That’s life I guess.

Eat some donuts! They are yummy!

Blessings,

Angie

 

 

The Season of Grieving

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,..” Ecclesiastes 3:1

Currently in the state of grieving and learning how to deal with everything. You know its funny because in life you try to prepare for anything coming your way. But you don’t always get to prepare for death. Sometimes you know that death is coming over soon and you try to prepare yourself for it’s cold visit into your home. Other times it comes unexpectedly and there is no time to prepare. But whether or not you know it’s coming, doesn’t make it any easier when the time finally comes. It’s a new reality. One day they are here and the next day they are not. They have descended to a different place but you are still here going through life. Death doesn’t wait for the most convenient time, when work is less busy, when you’re financially stable, or “old enough” to handle it. It comes at it’s own time, a time predestined at the very beginning. When it’s God’s will, it’s God’s will. Though I am fortunate to know where my loved ones have gone, I am still a human incapable of fully understanding eternity and how to not take this in a hurtful way. But we live and we go through the good and the bad and we get through it by the help of God, for those who are blessed to know Him.

As my mom kept saying in disbelief during that crazy week in mid January, “This is just unheard of for two grandmothers to pass away within a day of each other!”, it really was unexpected. I knew that both my grandmothers were getting sick but I didn’t know when the time was coming for them to leave us, and I sure as heck didn’t think they would pass away within one day of each other.

I don’t want to get too into detail since I am writing an article about this for my school newspaper and don’t want to copy content, but this is the season I am in right now. Grieving. You know it happens so fast and you’re preparing for the funeral, spending time with family, and going through the motions but you don’t really truly process it until the initial shock and busyness of the funeral wears off. The first week you have a lot of people stopping by to comfort you. But then the weeks pass and it’s time to go back into the real world. Back to work and school and your other responsibilities. Then suddenly the loneliness hits you like an unexpected train. Suddenly the house is empty because the two beautiful souls who prayed for you and always blessed you goodbye as you walked out the door each morning are gone.

Grieving isn’t always death. You can grieve the loss of your dreams, you can grieve from a divorce or a breakup, a lost friendship, a lost opportunity. But as Ecclesiastes writes, there is a time and season for everything under the sun. This is the season I’m in but this too shall pass. I know that good days will be coming my way. That is how life works. You go through the ugly and that can sometimes help you appreciate the sunshine when it finally comes.

It feels like I’m grieving a few different things. Grieving the loss of my worship team, some goals and aspirations I had, and some lost friendships. But I have hope that something brighter will come around soon. You have to be patient and trust in God.

I’m thankful for everyone who has been praying for my family. Thankful for my parent’s friends who brought us food when my mom was too weak to cook and I was too busy with school and work to always have a meal prepared for all the unexpected and expected guests we had coming over each day. I’m thankful for my professors who allowed me to take some time off from classes and give me make up assignments so that I wouldn’t fall behind but also prayed for my family. I’m thankful for the people who reached out to me to wish me well. I’m thankful for music that has kept my mind busy. I’m thankful for people who have attempted to make me laugh or smile. Most importantly I’m thankful for God who continues to comfort me even though it’s hard for me to pick up a Bible or even pray.

If you’re reading this, may you have a blessed day that is full of laughter.

Blessings,

Angie

 

 

 

 

Rough Start

Hasn’t been even a full two weeks into the new year and I have already deleted or blocked 4 people on social media, jeez.

Hello beautiful people!

Happy new year! I am so late in writing this article. I had hoped to write this at the true beginning of the year but getting readjusted to school and work has been tough and overwhelming. I write myself a bunch of to-do lists but I still manage to forget to do two things a day and only remember when I’m finally laying in bed. I write notes on my phone and in my school journals but I definitely need to get more organized.I have also had this ongoing headache which I do not know why so I’m trying to drink more water. Jeez, could I complain anymore? I apologize. I hope your new year is going well!

Obviously, we know that just because its a new year doesn’t mean that all of a sudden you need to completely change as a person or whatever. You can start making positive changes whenever! But there is still something great about a fresh new year where you can reflect on the past year and then analyze what you want to work on and set some goals!

You might be wondering why I had to delete people from social media and you may think its petty. But why have someone there looking at your life and what you’re doing if they don’t support you? You should have people that support your life and your work. Social media is an extension of you as a person whether you want it to be or not. If someone is disrespectful to you in real life and cannot be trusted then you don’t need that negativity in “real life” or online. Also, I don’t need to see posts of people that will bring me down. Why would I keep them on my feed. I don’t care what they are up to. I wish them the best in whatever they do in their life because we’re all trying to get through the madness. But simply put I do not need extra negativity in my life. Sometimes you just have to cut people off. It’s not my preference because I’d love to think that I can be friends with everyone and just because they have done something to hurt me in the past doesn’t mean they will do it again. But after a few downfalls, you realize the best thing to do is just LET IT GO (excuse me as I braid my hair so I can look like Elsa). Sometimes what you post is subconsciously to make certain people jealous or get a certain reaction or be in competition. Don’t do that. I’m going to focus on the things that I like and want to share with the world and I want to feel inspired by what other people share and be open to constructive criticism when it is needed. At the end of the day social media is a creative platform and it is not as important as we make it out to be. If it starts bringing you down or you spend too much time on it, take a break and chillll because it is really not a big deal or at least it shouldn’t be.

So in some ways its been a rough start to the new year. I have been almost in constant teary eyes and deep thought. I have had to say good bye to some things that I really did not want to. But you need to let go of the past, sometimes the good and the bad. For me, I wanted to hang on so badly but it wasn’t the wise thing to do. Thankful for the people who have reached out to me, encouraged me, listened to me, sent me Bible verses, and even cried with me. Still trying to figure out this season of my life and the encouragement has been much needed. But I don’t want a rough start to mean the rest of the year will be rough!

Sorry for all the sadness! I realized I am much more inspired when I am sad, is that weird? I can almost write easier when I have been impacted by something negative. But there have been positives in the new year too! I have gone on a beautiful hike, hung out with some friends, eaten bomb food, and enjoyed a spontaneous detour stop to watch the sunset at the downtown waterfront by my school with a friend. I also love my classes at school and the work that I get to do! And I am happy to stay busy because it helps me grow and be productive.

Here are the things that I look forward to for the new year:

  • Getting back into photography and creative projects. I used to really love taking pictures. My friends and I would plan so many different photo shoots. I still like taking pictures but I really want to get back into it. I want to turn madness in my life into beautiful art. I’m hoping to combine my love for words and writing with pictures. I’m not a professional and never will be by any means. I just like how taking pictures allows you to be creative and share a story. I love being surrounded by creative motivated people that inspire me.
  • Focus on healthy relationships. I struggle with the fact that I love being alone but sometimes feel lonely. Although I want to believe that I don’t need anyone else, I know that community is important. We weren’t meant to go through life alone. Hoping to stay away from destructive people but rather pursue healthy encouraging relationships. I’m also taking a communication class and love and relationships so I hope I’ll learn very useful things from that!
  • Travel! I’m planning a trip to different countries in Europe this summer and I am so hopeful that all will go well. My soul longs to travel. I’m hoping to go on a few more different local trips as well. I need to save that money though lol.
  • Be less sarcastic and more affectionate. Yeah I can braid my hair and look like Elsa but I really don’t need to have a cold heart.
  • Pursue God above all else. Above all else, I am happiest when I am walking with God and pursuing Him.
  • Be healthier. Yeah…I need to respect my own body and health and take better care of it because I love myself and you should love yourself too.
  • Don’t be a push over. I have been one in the past so now there is nothing else to do but be honest and stand up for injustice!

I can’t wait to look back in a year and see where my mind is and see how things change. Glad I started writing this blog honestly.

Thank you to everyone who has supported my writing. You don’t know how much it means to me! When people tell me they read my blog, it always surprises me! I can’t believe anyone would actually read it to be honest. I really enjoy writing and updating on my life and the lessons I have been learning. Each encouraging word pushes me to keep going. You don’t know how much anxiety rushes through me every time I’m about to post an article. I don’t know if I shared too much or was too vague or if it was written badly. I have 20 drafts of work I have never released so I am careful and indecisive sometimes. But when people connect with what I write, it fills my heart with happiness. So thank you if you are reading this.

When it comes down to it, this is what I want 2017 to be like: “No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:14. I read this on my Bible app because I suddenly got a random craving to read the Bible as I was waiting in the car (and lets be honest, how often do cravings to read the Bible happen, for me not often and I have to be intentional in reading). When I read it, I knew it was God providing me to some comfort and direction.

Blessings,

Angie

So This is 20?

So this is what it means to grow up I guess.

Currently it is hell week and I’m trying to study for my finals and get all my assignments done so that I can finally enjoy my birthday and the Christmas season to it’s full potential. I am sitting here in disbelief. How did I get to be 20 years of age?! It feels like just yesterday I was 16 years old and feeling “so grown up” but now I have really grown up. I’m not even a teen. Wow wow wow. I have changed so much through the years (obviously) because growing up means not only going through puberty and hoping you get hotter. But it means your personality is shaped and your character. Hopefully all the negative and positive experiences, hurts, joys, uncomfortable situations, and decisions mold you into the adult you are supposed to be today. I’ve been trying to reflect on all the important moments that I have gone through as a child and teenager and what has impacted me the most.

If you’d like, lets go through just some of the most impactful moments together.

Shy and Quiet

Growing up, I was extremely shy and quiet. I was known for being shy and quiet which sucked. I would stick to a few friends that allowed me to come out of my shell. But in school, I was painfully shy. I remember going to youth services when I was probably around 12 years old. I loved going to these youth services, but it was TORTURE after. I had such bad social anxiety. What was I supposed to do when service was over? Everyone is going around saying hi and just the thought makes me so nervous. How do I muster up the courage to speak up when we gather in a service? In my school year books, people would often write something like, “Ur nice and kewl but quiet lol. HAGS!”. When someone would ask me why I’m so shy and quiet, I would shut down even more. That question felt like someone was stabbing me in the stomach with a knife. It hurt to be asked for some reason even though I was fully aware how shy I was. Well luckily things have gotten better. Sophomore year of High School, not ONE person wrote that I was shy or quiet. That was the last year of High School before I went to do college at running start. I don’t have abnormal social anxiety anymore. I love talking to people and being social. I’m studying communication in college. I think going through the struggle of being so shy and quiet helped me gain some valuable skills such as being a good listener. Now I have a voice and I’m definitely not afraid to use it.

Friendships

“Bad company corrupts good character.” How freaking true. I had to learn the hard way that not everyone has your back or the best intentions for you. You can’t place trust in people so easily because people will always unfortunately fail you at some point. You have to except that but also not let it keep you from building wonderful friendships. Luckily, a lot of the close friends that I have today are the ones that I had as a young child and I think that is awesome because we have been able to grow up together. The friendship only gets better and stronger. I personally don’t really agree with the concept of one best friend. I’m sure some people have one best friend and that works for them. But I have a few different friends that I consider to be my best friends. I really wanted to take a picture with all of them at my 20th birthday party but unfortunately they weren’t all there at the same time. Sometimes you are really close to someone because you are going through similar life situations and you can connect easier. Sometimes you drift away from someone because you are not really going through the same things in life as them anymore. But sometimes you will reconnect. I feel like friendships sometimes go in waves and that’s alright with me. The love and friendship is still always there regardless of how close you are. I have learned that you do not need to be friends with everyone. Sometimes its not meant to be. That’s fine. I’ve learned that friendship break ups are extremely hurtful and hard. I’ve learned that I really like to be alone and sometimes that doesn’t work out when you hide yourself in your room but your friends want to hang out. I’ve also learned the importance of who you keep in your close circle. There will be friends who will tell you to take up self destructive behavior when you’re upset about something and other friends who will tell you to pick up a Bible and pray. Which one will you listen to?

Heartbreak

What is worse, breaking someone’s heart or having your own heart broken? I’m still deciding. When I open up the wound of past heartbreak, I try not to focus so much on the boys involved but rather the man who helped me get through it. I realized from analyzing these two situations is how great of a man and father I have. The first time he saved the day was when he talked the boy out of harming himself because he was in love with me but I wasn’t in love with him. I’m so happy he stepped in because that could have ended a lot worse. Or the time that I came home just absolutely torn up, not expecting to tell my father anything but mom warned him when I got off the phone with her what had happened. I’ll never forget the look on his face when I walked past the living room and he called my name and wrapped me in his arms. He told me that eventually it would be all be alright. I remember how devastated I felt that day, that kind of pain you can never forget.  I can’t recall this memory without tearing up every time, its overwhelming. I’m not one to cry easily. But remembering my dad with the love and hurt in his eyes tears me up. It doesn’t matter to me anymore that I didn’t get the validation from some silly boy that I so desperately wanted in that moment. What hurts the most is seeing how hurt my father was because his daughter was no longer as happy as she was before. When you’re in pain, it doesn’t just effect you but it effects the people around you that actually genuinely love and care for you every time that you’re hurting. It effected my grandma when she noticed that her giggly and smiley Angie had no longer been smiling or giggling for a while. It effected my friends who were sick and tired of me moping around instead of enjoying the moment. But how can you enjoy the moment when you’re living on the memories of the past that will no longer be there. You feel like you will never be as happy again although deep down you know it’s really not a big deal and the sun will come out soon. I never wanted to feel this way again. Not so much so because I couldn’t handle the pain. Sure, pain creeps up like a thief and slowly steals the joy and happiness of every day life. But I was still living, waking up, going to school, and work (and still am). But oddly enough I feel like if I get heartbroken again it will hurt my family and friends more than me. So now I have to proceed with caution. My father models the love that Jesus Christ has for all his children which is one that is joyful with you in times of happiness and one that mourns with you in time of pain. I’m so glad that at 20 years of age the greatest lesson I could take from the heartbreak I have experienced is not that all boys are stupid and evil. Because I too have hurt people and caused pain for them. We make mistakes and we sometimes hurt but we grow stronger from that in time and learn to not do that again. Never lose faith in relationships because there are people who will love you and treat you in the way that you should be unconditionally, just like my father cares for me (both heavenly and earthly).

Faith

My faith has been challenged a lot as of recently. I grew up in a Christian family as a preacher’s kid so I was always the goody two shoes by default. But when I turned 18, that was when I had to decide on my own whether I truly believed in God and wanted to commit my life to Him by undergoing baptism. I never gave up on my faith but it was when I questioned it the most. I decided that I need to figure out on my own what I believe is right and wrong. I don’t want to believe something because I grew up believing it. I have to know truly in my heart. A lot of hard lessons came from this mindset. But I have always been the kind of person who learns by doing rather than just listening to someone else’s opinion. Through the hard trials, luckily my faith has grown so much. I know that I can’t do anything without God. My talents, my creativity, my thoughts, the love that I have inside is all from Him. It boggles my mind when I think of people who have absolutely no faith in God. Where does your hope and your trust come from? Because I have put my hope in people before and they stabbed me in the back. I’ve put hope into myself only to be the one who disappointed myself the most out of anyone else I have disappointed. I am learning to be more open with my faith in God. Not to “shove it down” people’s throats but I truly do want everyone to experience the hope that I have. Because even I had a time where I had no hope. My faith is not just a part of me but it transcends through everything I do and who I am as a person. I can have those conversations openly with God when I’m driving in the car alone. I can feel His presence. He is so good at answering my prayers. Prayer is so so so important to me and I encourage everyone to always pray and ask people to pray for you because it is the most powerful thing you can do. Do I still make mistakes and sin? Yes. Do I still have a lot of growing to do and changing? Yes. As my relationship with Christ grows stronger, so will I change as a person. I’m so blessed to serve in youth ministry as a leader, to sing in worship, work for not one but TWO Christian organizations now, and attend a Christian University. I’m spoiled. People say that Christians are messed up people. We are! ha. But also it is a joy to spend time with like-minded people because there is no one I’d rather be around than someone who GENUINELY has Jesus living inside of them.

Music

My parents made me start singing on stage at church when I was probably about 4 or 5 years old. My grandma would always teach me songs as a child and encourage me to sing. She was the only one besides me in the family that really cared for music. Music has been a life long passion of mine. I grew up in so many different choirs, worship groups, and singing ensembles. I would sing at almost every holiday church service and get the solos at school recitals. It really helped me get out of my shell as I got more comfortable with being on stage. I joined band in middle school and played the clarinet and alto saxophone. Music truly does fill the sentences of where you have no words to speak. It feels euphoric when I harmonize perfectly with someone else. I’m so thankful for music and that I can continue with my passion for music by leading worship at church. I also work for a radio station now doing promotions and it’s awesome getting to know behind the scenes of the music industry a little bit. I will always be involved with music in some way because I don’t think I would be able to breathe without it.

Family

I love my family so much. I have four older siblings (and two are married) who have always acted as extra sets of parents in my life. They have helped me in making major life decisions and they sometimes give good advice. Sometimes they make fun of me or annoy me but I still love them. My sister encouraged me to start this blog and I’m so thankful because its teaching me to open up and be real with how I feel. I love my four nephews that are all currently under five and give the best hugs and kisses and make my heart soar with love and joy when they are around with their antics. I have so much respect for my parents. Honestly, they are pretty much right about everything. They will analyze a social situation and they can tell me which friends are not genuine, which guys are into me, and so on. I used to not believe them but so far they have always been right! How is that possible. They pray for me and tell me I’m beautiful and uplift me constantly. My two grandma’s have also had a huge role in raising me. I’m so thankful for my family even though I have been an annoying teen who didn’t put a lot of time to spend with them and am never home. I’m glad they still are there for me. They push me a lot. But because they have encouraged me to be the best possible version of myself and work hard, I am grateful. They never held me down for being young or being a woman. I’m a pretty independent person because of them and I like it.

Culture

My parents are immigrants from Ukraine. Because of that, I feel like I grew up with a different perspective on life than some of my classmates whose parents grew up in the US.  I remember having to help my parents with their English and trying to help them understand some of the American culture. My world was a lot different than theirs growing up. Our Ukrainian traditional values were a lot different than the American culture and values. It’s always been interesting to try to mix the two together. But I’m really happy that I could build friendships in the Ukrainian community and also build friendships with people with different cultural backgrounds at school. I noticed that it’s sometimes easier to connect with someone who is a first generation child, regardless of their cultural/ethnic background. We understand some of the struggles and values that are similar. There is just something different in the way that we grew up and somehow we can understand one another. One big difference was that I was never allowed to celebrate Halloween growing up and in church we would have to wear head coverings. In Ukraine, being a Christian was harder and stricter because they faced religious persecution and you really had to stick to your beliefs and be separated from the world. I didn’t grow up believing in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy but my nephews will. In my culture, getting married young is very common and encouraged. Whereas in America it’s encouraged to finish school and focus on getting a career before pursuing marriage. I didn’t get allowance for doing my chores as a child, it was expected to clean and respect the home I live in without getting any money for it.  It’s really just a difference in perspective and what each culture values. Hopefully this summer I will be able to finally visit Ukraine and have a better perspective of the country and it’s values that shaped my childhood and who I am as a person. I love America and I love Ukraine. I love that I get to meet so many different people and all the different cultures that I get to experience here in America!

Changing

I have been working on myself to be better. Trying to forgive not only others but myself for the mistakes I made. I remember sitting in a tea bar with my friends over the summer, opening up about my feelings. And they pointed out that although I forgave everyone, I was still unable to forgive myself. God gives us grace and we need to give ourselves grace as well.  Be happy with what life gives and to be patient in waiting for the things that I want. I’m becoming more strong and confident in myself so that when conflict arises, I can face it and not run away. There is so much life to live and so much more lessons to learn. Being twenty does feel different because I’m not a teenager anymore. But at the same time I am still young. I have some mistakes, trials, highlights, and adventures to come my way. I’m trying to figure out how much is oversharing and how much I need to share to help other people. I look forward to the new year.

So who is Angela today? A girl who loves to laugh and spend time with people and really get to know them on a personal level. Someone who is obsessed with cats and coffee. A huge fan of poetry and taking aesthetically appealing photos. Someone who needs naps during the day to survive and who likes to spend time alone a lot more than going out sometimes. Someone who is working on being less sarcastic because it often comes off rude, trying to be more affectionate, and to be honest with how I’m feeling in the moment. A girl who loves to go hiking and go on walks out in nature. A girl who will harmonize to every song that plays in the car. Someone who is always full of ideas and trying to do a million things at once. Someone that is a lot different than the girl she used to be.

One of my friends, Anna, wrote in my card that she believes twenty will be a big year for me. I hope so.

Blessings,

Angie ❤

If you read to the end I’m proud! haha.

 

 

Can Girls and Guys be JUST Best Friends?

“You’re already best friends, you might as well date!” “You can’t say that you don’t have feelings.” “You are leading him on..”

The answer is yes. They can be just friends, it’s possible. The media will have you believe everything is sexual or romantic but not everything is. Although sometimes it can be complicated.

I  have been debating for a few weeks now whether or not to write this piece. At first I was fed up with everyone around me questioning my friendships or the friendships of people around me. But I decided it was time I needed to address the controversy. My parents sometimes questions why I am friends with so many guys but am not dating any of them. Other people like to ask me, “you’re always around the guys, how do you not have a boyfriend?” Then I start to feel bad because I know some people look at me and see that it is peculiar that I have so many guy friends and that perhaps I am having inappropriate friendships with them. The fact that people could even think that frustrates me even more. Those are all exaggerations and outlandish perceptions that people have, of course.  I am not always ‘around the guys’ and I do have a ton of solid girl friends. I’m not at all anti girl friends. I do realize that I don’t have to defend or explain myself to everyone but I do think that this is something that could be beneficial to talk about.

Can girls and guys really just be friends? Well that is something not simply answered. Everyone goes through different experiences and have their own perspective as to why it would work out or why it would not. Sometimes there is sexual tension, sometimes the friendship turns into something more, sometimes one person ends up with feelings and the other doesn’t. But sometimes you really are just friends and nothing more.

At the beginning of writing this article, I was so fired up on the topic and had a very narrow view. I have always grown up hanging out with boys and I also seemed to have a guy best friend. My friends were my friends, and guys that I was interested in were probably not my close friends. But I was challenged with my thinking these past few weeks and some of my opinions have changed.

I am studying communication at University and half my classes revolve around building and maintaining different relationships. Studying relationships is very fascinating to me. I realize that not everything is black and white. The way that I may perceive a friendship may be different than the way that another person perceives it. We get stuck in our own thinking that has been molded by our upbringing, our culture, and our own personal experiences that we sometimes forget that we need to try to broaden our view. It can benefit ourselves to look outside of what we know and how we feel and see how it looks from another’s perspective.

Over the summer, I remember a really annoying situation that happened. I was at a church event with a lot of people and I was talking to one of my good friends. the conversation was about something really important and personal. Well people noticed that we were chatting and they assumed that we were dating. Usually I can laugh these things off. But this time someone decided to go to my parents and congratulate them on my upcoming wedding. My parents were confused because they knew that I wasn’t dating anyone and that a wedding was not coming my way any time soon. But it was awkward for them to have people come up and congratulate them. This led to my parents giving me a talk when I saw them later that day. I was furious. How dare someone come up to my parents and congratulate them on my wedding and just assume something so big and important. How embarrassing.

My parents had to remind me to be careful and even though they know that him and I were just friends, that people are always watching and talking and to be aware of the way you present yourself. So I decided out of my embarrassment and anger to listen to my parents and look at the situation from a different perspective. I wasn’t about to explain to people why we were talking that day for maybe “longer” than normal because it was none of their business. But I know that in my Ukrainian cultural background that people date to get married and sometimes it is a fast process and at a young age. Someone older may look at me talking to a boy for a long time and assume that we are together because that was the way things were for them growing up.

I don’t want to worry about what people think of me and I am out here living my life, don’t get me wrong. But I have learned a valuable lesson about understanding that other people might get the wrong impression. What is most important is knowing what the friendship means to the two people involved. A true friendship will have good communication. My favorite quote ever (because I am a communication major) is “lack of communication leaves too much to the imagination”. There will probably come a point in the friendship of a boy and girl where they will have to talk about what their friendship is and if there is room to grow into a romantic relationship. This is normal and healthy. And if you guys are good friends, it shouldn’t be too awkward to talk about. I have had this conversation with every good boy friend that I have had. And once you understand the dynamic of the friendship and where it’s headed, you will be at peace (hopefully).

Through just my own perspectives and challenges growing up, I could write this essay. But I decided that I wanted to get some outside perspective too. I started off by taking a poll on twitter asking this golden question. It didn’t give me much information because I don’t have a ton of followers but STILL, it’s something.

twitterLooking at this poll, you can see that the idea is pretty split. I’m assuming people think that you can be friends with the opposite gender (of course) but you can’t get too close because feelings will start to arise and you’ll either start dating or someone will get hurt. I do agree that that happens quite a lot.

I decided to do some research on the topic as well. Just know that I am shocked that I actually went and did research for something other than school. But I had to for this article! But anyway, I read an article online by Lizette Borelli called “Platonic Love or Lust? The Science Behind Men and Women Being ‘Just Friends'” which touches on this subject. The article reviews some studies done by scientists that platonic friendships between men and women are growing but that men are more likely to catch feelings than a women, and that there is usually a low level of attraction between the two (medicaldaily.com). I highly recommend you go read this article! Basically the article sums up by saying that YES, men and women can be just friends but sometimes there are complications.

My first ever best guy friend was my neighbor. We met on the swings at the park next door to my house in kindergarten and our friendship took off after that. We had a very up and down relationship. But him and I are connected so deeply that we can go months without talking but we’ll always find ourselves back in each others lives at some point as if no time has passed. Scotty came out as gay in middle school. Obviously our friendship has always been platonic (for the most part except when he did confess his feelings for me at one point when we were children before he came out, I rejected him though #justfriends). But that’s not always the case. My other friendships have been with guys who are straight but have also been platonic.

I grew up with my neighbors being my really close friends (they are still some of my closest friends) so I will probably talk about them a lot in my blog posts. In high school, my neighbor best friends decided to transfer out of our school district and transfer to the new high school built in our town. They convinced me to transfer along with them. Well I basically only knew those three friends going into high school and that made things pretty rough the first half of freshman year. Everyone already had their friends and cliques lined up. I remember how Mel and I would sit at the all guy table at lunch because they were the only ones who welcomed us in. I mean of course what guys wouldn’t welcome in FRESH MEAT, especially with Mel being drop dead gorgeous. Mel and I were also in band class. None of the girls liked us or really tried to make an effort to befriend us so before we knew it, we befriended many of the guys in the class. This didn’t help our case with making friends with girls because girls will always look down on the new girls who immediately befriend the guys. It doesn’t look too good. But we were just in desperate need to make friends and the guys were easy to befriend. As the school year progressed, we did make more stable friends. But now that school has graduated, I still talk to a lot of the guys from high school but only one girl outside of my neighbors that I made friends with in high school.

There was one incident in high school that I became really close friends with a guy and he caught feelings and things went really bad for us. I decided to do running start which removed me from high school the last two years and removed me from that situation. This situation is very heavy to talk about and if I ever feel comfortable enough, maybe I’ll write about it in the future. But this was a situation that left me NOT wanting to be close with any guys for a long time.

Now I’m in college and I am still very close with guys. I am not trying to be annoying and say something like “OMG, I love hanging out with guys more than girls because it’s less drama.” Honestly, that’s not true. Most of the drama between girls revolves around a boy. Drama happens because of the type of people you are hanging out with, not because they are necessarily a boy or girl. But for me, I do really like being friends with guys for a number of reasons.

I have three really close guy friends that I call my best friends. Each of them have helped me a lot in my life, have been supportive, and mean a lot to me. But they are all platonic. One of those guys has a girl friend now too. It doesn’t always make sense to people when they see that or I tell them about it. And I do understand that. It’s frustrating to me because I know that it can appear to other people that I am just a flirtacious girl trying to get attention from as most boy as possible. But that’s not the case. I don’t even really know how to flirt to be honest, I’m usually just really sarcastic. I can be so close with guys because I am the opposite of being super flirtacious and pursue more of a brotherly/sister type of relationship with them. That’s not to say that I don’t ever flirt either. I’m just talking specifically about the guys who I am closest to.

I find relief in my guy friendships. I know that by them being friends with me, they really truly care about me and don’t want to use me to just hook up or to gain something. Some guys will only talk to you if there is potential for something else such as a hook up or a relationship. Once they find out there probably isn’t, they’ll cut you off. The guys that I am friends with challenge me to be a better person, they encourage me in my walk with Christ, they make me laugh, and they are very important to me. They still talk to me even though I don’t get physically intimate with them in anyway. And I’m also not a very touchy feely person as it is, I like my personal bubble. And this is where you’re probably asking or perhaps screaming to me in your head, “THEN WHY DON’T YOU DATE ONE OF THEM?!” Ahh my dear, if you are thinking that, well the answer is not as simple as you may think.

There are a lot of reasons why a girl and a guy are not dating. For one, MAYBE THEY WILL DATE IN THE FUTURE, AND MAYBE NOT.

Reasons why a girl and guy are just friends and not dating:

  • They are still young and don’t know what they want.  A relationship can be a huge commitment and something that someone is not ready for just yet. THATS FINE. No need to rush. A relationship either leads to marriage or a breakup. Both scary and emotionally draining. You don’t need to rush into something. Figure yourself out.
  • They really do feel like brother and sister. They connected really well but in a way that feels like a sibling relationship. You just don’t think about them in that light and it’s totally fine. Although, I would say you should try to refrain from calling anyone “like a brother or sister to me” because a lot of times it does turn into a relationship. Just take a look at Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber.
  • Maybe one day they are meant to be together but the timing is not right just yet. Maybe you need some time to work and improve on yourselves before you get into a relationship. Maybe God has a plan that is going to have you wait for a while. Maybe school or work or other priorities need to be first in your life right now and a relationship can wait. But even so, that friendship you have right now is amazing.
  • You’re getting over another heartbreak. People take different amounts of time to heal. You need to be emotionally ready for a relationship and not have someone still in the back of your mind.
  • One of you wants to date but the other does not want to. But the friendship is more important to keep. Sometimes life kind of SUCKS. Anyone know the feeling of catching feelings for someone and not have them be reciprocated? I sure do. But you know what, you got to move on and decided what is best for the both of you. Sometimes maintaining that friendship is much more important than the potential of ruining it by trying to start a relationship.
  • Sometimes you’re meant to only be friends for a period in your life to learn from one another. Being friends with the opposite gender can help you SO much before you take the next step in your life to a serious relationship. You get to learn some really important life lessons and get some good advice.
  • A million other reasons! You alone know how you feel, what you want in life, and who you want to date. You don’t always need a specific reason or to explain yourself.

One thing I can’t stand is when people come to me and gossip about another person saying something about how a girl is leading a guy on by being just friends. I have had people say that about me and it’s just frustrating. If you know someone has feelings for you because they tell you and you give them false hope, that’s leading them on. But just by being friends, you are not leading someone on. If a guy wants to pursue you, he has to make that clear and ask you on dates and the whole shabang. If you are hanging out as friends and no specification of dating has been made, you are in no obligation to stop being friends in fear that you’re leading someone on because someone else OUTSIDE of your two way friendship is making you feel bad. Use your best judgment in the situation and have a talk with that friend if you are worried that they may be developing feelings.

I will say that your friendships should have a distinction between a romantic relationship. I believe that friends don’t get boyfriend privileges, boyfriends don’t get fiancé privileges, and fiancés sure as heck DO NOT get husband privileges. A friendship is a friendship. Just remember that. A time to have one with one another, do life together, and grow together.

One of my best friends inspired me to write this article and you know who you are. When he and I met, we just clicked. We are so similar, it’s insane. I gave him a lot of advice about a girl he was interested in the time and now he is in a happy relationship. Out of respect of that relationship, we don’t have the same dynamic as we had before. But our friendship still remains. But his relationship with his girlfriend is different than our friendship and everyone involved knows that. And one day when I am in a serious relationship, my relationship between my boyfriend/fiancé/or husband will be priority and be special and apart from my friendships with other guy friends. There has to be a distinguishing factor. Each relationship is different and has different boundaries so it won’t always look the same.

There have been times where I was always putting myself in the position as the “sister” and completely writing myself off from anything more to happen with a guy. Some guys would even start calling me “one of the bros”. THAT WAS THE WORST. As much as I am okay with just being your friend, please remember that I am a girl and I am not a guy.  Then I would complain and people would tell me that I put myself in that position. Sometimes you do it to yourself. Just keep in mind the vibe you’re giving off. Don’t act like a sister to someone that you’re daydreaming about in class marrying. Be careful. I’m still learning how to do this. At this point I hope you’re laughing, make sure you don’t always take me too seriously.

My dad last week actually had a little talk with me about love. He was asking me if I was interested in any boys and I was like, nope! Just friends with guys. I got school on my mind. He told me that he understands that I love my guy friends just as I love my family and other friends. But that there may be love in the basement of some of my friendships. A connection waiting to form at the right time. I laughed and told him that was never going to happen. But he’s right. Sometimes friendships can form into other things, but sometimes they don’t.

And just to put this out here… If a girl and guy can just be friends and not fall into sexual temptation with one another before the time is right, I think that is a pretty good thing. Let them be friends.

So can girls and guys really just be friends? Of course they can. As with ANY friendship or relationship in life, you have to work on it and you have to know what you want. Most relationships come with complications. If you and that boy are on the same page, you can make it work. But for some people, a close friendship with the opposite sex that isn’t their boyfriend or spouse is not okay. They want to save BOTH that strong emotional intimacy with someone and physical intimacy for their future spouse. Everyone has different needs, wants, convictions, and goals when it comes to a relationship. Just be aware of what yours are.

There are people who just don’t feel the need to be close with the opposite gender and don’t understand how someone can be just friends with the opposite gender. Some people just don’t seem to click with the opposite gender as much as their same gender. There are some friendships that will unfortunately end in heartbreak  because someone caught feelings and the feelings weren’t reciprocated. There are some people who will start off as friends and gag every time someone teases them about dating but in the end they will end up happily married and in love. You never know what could happen in life. It’s a scary thing. But are you going to lock yourself in your room forever and not experience things because you might get hurt or hurt someone?! NO. You have to go out there and live your life! Meet people. All your experiences mold you into a better version of yourself, even if sometimes those experiences are not quite pleasant.

But can we all stop being so annoying and trying to stick our noses into other people’s friendships and why they aren’t dating? Some teasing is fine, I love teasing. But there may be a lot of reasons why they aren’t dating at the moment. You don’t have to get to the point where you’re practically outraged that two people aren’t dating (yes, this has happened to me).

To be completely honest. My dream as a child has always been to become best friends with a boy and then one day fall in love with him and live happily ever after. I think it’s awesome when two best friends fall in love. You already have such a deep connection with that person and you know that you at least love them as a person. It just makes sense to be together. But God always has a plan. For some people that happens, for some people it doesn’t.

For the time being, I love being friends with both guys and girls equally. Guys are usually really funny, they are adventurous, they are more straight forward than girls usually, and they add spice to life. I just get along with guys a lot of the time, it’s part of my personality. I love building all these friendships and meeting new people while in college. I’m still fairly young. I’m not going to worry too much about who to date, I can only worry about today. I have a lot on my plate as it is with school and work. But if one day I do decide to date a friend or if I don’t, it’s all up in the air. You never know what could happen. So everyone listen up! Enjoy your friendships with both guys and girls. Enjoy every season because you will never be this young or have the same opportunities forever. Live it up!

My mom always tells me there is at least a 1% chance for any friendship or relationship to form. Don’t ever completely write off something from happening. You never know what the future holds. (;

Love,

Angie ❤

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” Proverbs 18:24

References:

Borreli, Lizette. “Is It Really Possible To Be ‘Just Friends?'” Medical Daily. N.p., 2016. Web. 11 Oct. 2016.